Winter in Deling City was anything but paradise. It didn't snow all that often, bone-chilling rain being the prevalent weather during winter months, but when it did, the whole city shut down. Snow fell, clogging the streets and turning into dirty gray slush during the day, while at night it froze into hard ice, perilous to the unwary pedestrian.

Unwary Fujin was not- and even if she had been the spiked boots she wore were protection enough against slips and falls.

She trudged along the sidewalk wearily, aware that normally she would be relieved to be done with her Christmas shopping. But she looked forward to this Christmas so little that she felt not relief, but the desire to turn around, go straight back to the shops that were open, and spend every last penny she had on candy and toys and clothing and anything she saw that might make the holiday seem more normal. Not that she'd bought any of that stuff in the past, but she had the vague idea that more presents for Raijin might make up for the ones she wouldn't be giving to someone else. Or somehow make up for the person who was missing.

She'd limited herself to just two gifts for him, albeit very nice ones. The fishing pole she'd bought was first class and she knew he would love it.

And telling herself that she was just going to look for a sweater for her roommate, she'd entered a clothing shop for tall men. She did indeed find a sweater for Raijin, a cheerful red number patterned with white snowflakes. It practically screamed Raijin, as he adored the color red and Christmas both, and she knew he would also love this present.

And then she found herself biting her lip over a dark blue sweater, aware that if she bought it it would not be for Raijin, aware that she would not present it, partly because she had no idea where the recipient might be and partly because she knew that even if she did, offering him any kind of present would be wrong, an offense against both of them. Any pretense at normalcy after what had happened this summer would be a slap in the face.

She'd bought the shirt anyway, briskly, thinking that she liked it enough to wear it herself, however oversized it might be for her, not at all thinking that the wrapped box might sit in her room as a silent accuser, and certainly not thinking that she wanted, or perhaps needed, to be accused.

She turned her key in the lock to their apartment and was greeted by the cheerful blinking lights of the tree. She could hear Raijin in the kitchen, talking on the phone, and took the opportunity to deposit his presents under the tree before heading to her room.

There she divested herself of her coat and boots and set the other item she'd purchased on her desk. She sat on her bed and stripped off her slush-sodden pants, shivering while she attempted to slip clammy legs into pajama bottoms.

The next thing she wanted was coffee, hot and black, and she padded down the hall to the kitchen, only to freeze when she heard Raijin, who was still on the phone, utter the word 'boss.'

She told herself she was being suspicious over nothing, but nevertheless crept closer to hear what he was saying.

"...quiet, ya know? Hasn't smiled since you left-" He paused, listening, and Fujin's heart began to race, certain of whom Raijin was speaking to. "Are you sure-" and here the speaker interrupted him again.

"I wish I understood," Raijin said. "You're not coming home?" He stopped, and Fujin could almost imagine she heard the flat dismissal on the other end of the phone.

"Yeah, I got it. That's all you wanted?"

"Okay. I'll try. Merry Christmas."

She heard Raijin hang up the phone and sigh. She wondered if he would tell her that Seifer had called. Probably not. She wrapped her arms around herself and leaned against the wall, somewhat surprised at how low she felt.

Not that feeling low was a new thing by any stretch of the imagination. She'd felt terrible when Seifer had left, and to be honest, she'd felt worse with every passing day rather than the opposite. Time certainly hadn't healed this wound.

At first she had just felt empty, a terrible feeling in its own right that had prompted more than one tear from her eye in the beginning, much to the distress of Raijin. He'd dealt with that the best way he knew how, by holding her when she wept and not asking any questions. Oh, she'd definitely missed him when he was gone. It felt like there was a huge hole inside her labeled, 'Seifer,' that no one else could fill.

And then she couldn't cry any more. Her tears had just dried up. The grief was still there, and the sense that daily life was not quite as satisfying as it used to be, but she couldn't even enjoy the release of tears.

And each new day seemed to be worse than the one before. Every time she looked at Raijin, she felt a very real guilt. What she had done to Raijin was almost worse than what she had done to Seifer. She thought that before, he had been content to be the least member of their posse. He had been a part of a very real working family. And now he was virtually alone, for not only was the hub of the posse gone, the other remaining member was too wrapped up in herself to be any use to him. She wished sometimes that Raijin had gone with Seifer, for her guilt over Raijin also seemed to become greater with each day.

She sagged against the wall, frowning, lost in her thoughts until Raijin nearly bowled her over.

"Fuu! You're back!" He gave her an odd look, and she opened her mouth, unsure of what she was going to say.

"Let's go somewhere else for Christmas," was what came out, and her mind leapt at the thought. Getting away from the ghosts of Christmases past sounded like a great idea.

Raijin frowned, but did not ask for any explanation.

"It's just too damned cold," she explained anyway, and he accepted that with a slow nod.

"But Christmas eve is tomorrow," he said tentatively. "And it'll be a white Christmas here for once- it hasn't snowed over Christmas since we moved here."

She shook her head. "Raijin, if I don't get out of here I'm going to go nuts."

He gave her a sharp look and she wondered just how badly she'd been behaving- badly enough for him to fear for her sanity? Apparently.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I don't care. Someplace hot." She wanted to sigh, but did not. "Balamb, maybe." She continued, and did not see Raijin's sudden shift in position. "We can go fishing and hang out on the beach- I'm more than willing to get a sunburn. I just don't want to be here." She could not explain it any more- already tonight she had said more to Raijin than she had in weeks. She pleaded with him silently not to argue any more.

But he didn't. He gave her an uncertain smile, said, "Sure Fuu. I'll get tickets first thing tomorrow, okay?" and left her alone in the hallway.

They checked into Hotel Balamb just before noon the next day. Fujin hadn't really thought much about staying in Balamb, but as Raijin carried their luggage up the stairs she realized that this place also held many memories. They'd stayed here for quite a while after Ultimecia, Seifer slowly regaining his normal personality over the course of that summer. They'd spent the days fishing on the docks and splashing around in the ocean. She'd gotten sunburned more times than she cared to remember, but the pain had been purely physical and thus purely good. Those days had been good ones. And that fall they had moved to Deling City.

Following Raijin, she was at least thankful that they weren't staying in their old rooms. When they'd stayed before, they had commandeered the top floor suite, which had a sitting room, a kitchen, a full bath, and three separate bedrooms.

The room she and Raijin had now was smaller- two rooms, a large bedroom with two beds and a tiny bathroom with just a shower.

Quickly she shoved her clothes into the bottom drawer of the dresser. Returning to her bed, she picked up one of the packages she'd dumped on it a few moments before.

"Raijin."

He turned from the French windows that overlooked the sea.

"Here," she said, and held out the wrapped fishing pole. "I know it's not Christmas yet but I thought you'd need this today. Tomorrow you can have your other present."

He took it from her with a smile and ripped the paper off Raijin-style- with far more exuberance than was strictly necessary.

"Wow," he said, his eyes lighting up. "That's really nice, ya know?" He ran his big hands over it deftly, and gave her a look. "This was expensive, Fuu. You didn't have to."

She shook her head, thinking, You deserve more than a fishing pole, Raijin, after what I've done to you.

"Thanks!" He caught her up in a great bear hug and she felt her eyes prick for the first time in months. The sensation passed quickly, however, and she managed to smile a little.

"Let's go try it out," she suggested, and caught up her straw hat and sunglasses as Raijin raced to the bathroom to change. After he was done, she took her turn and they went down to the docks. They spent the afternoon fishing and swimming, and once or twice Fujin even surprised herself by laughing at Raijin's antics.

They trudged up the hill wearily, sunburned but more content than they had been in quite a while. Fujin ached from the unaccustomed exercise, but it felt good to remember that she had muscles. She hadn't worked out seriously in years, and was woefully aware that she was out of shape.

Raijin fussed over her sunburn, lamenting- was she aware how easily she burned? Would she forgive him for being so excited over the fishing pole that he'd forgotten about getting her some sunblock?

She waved him away, mildly amused, and her stomach growled. Raijin burst into laughter- bodily functions never failed to amuse him- and finally stopped mothering her.

"How 'bout I go get some salve or something?" She nodded, grateful. She liked the way sunburns felt but knew it would be hard to sleep without something on them.

"Dinner?" she asked.

"I'll pick up some take-out on my way back, sound good?"

Fujin nodded, and he bustled about for a few moments and then was gone.

She stretched a bit, and was glad to be alone for a while. They'd had a far better day than they'd been having lately, but she was unaccustomed to having so much fun and wanted to enjoy some time alone.

With that in mind, she decided to take a walk. She was an outdoors person, despite her fair complexion, and there would be no danger to her skin since the sun had just set.

She strapped on her sandals and made her way back down to the docks, enjoying the cooler evening air and the far-off sounds of people enjoying themselvcs.

Once she stepped on the wooden planks of 'their' dock, she took off her sandals and let them dangle from her fingers. She swung them idly and walked toward the water carefully on her toes, not allowing them to touch anything but wood. This was a game she knew children played

(step on a crack, break your mother's back)

but she felt young today, so it was all right.

So intent on watching her feet was she that she didn't notice that the dock was already occupied until she was standing right behind him. Even in the dim light she recognized the trenchcoat, the golden hair, the broad expanse of his shoulders, and her heart gave a great lurch.

She froze, panicking, wondering if he knew she was standing right behind him, wondering if she could get away without him noticing.

She must have made a sound. He glanced over his shoulder to see who was there.

Seifer's expression didn't change in the slightest. He looked at her for a moment, right into her eyes, and then he looked away, over the ocean, and she realized what the sound must have been that had betrayed her- she'd dropped her sandals. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest that she couldn't imagine hearing anything else.

But she was disabused of that notion when he spoke.

"Raijin told you." His voice was absolutely flat.

She wanted to say, "No, he didn't- I had no idea," but couldn't find her voice.

"I thought so. Come to rub salt in the wound, Fuu?" She flinched at hearing her pet name spill out of his mouth with such weary contempt.

And became determined to fix this whole mess. She'd missed him terribly, there was no denying it- and what else was love? She'd never really loved before- was it possible that she misclassified her feelings? Seeing him again made her realize that she'd really only resisted him because she hated to admit that there was no point in struggling. The deed was done, she loved him, and that was that. And fixing it would require that she admit her mistakes, tell him the truth. Be completely honest in a way that she'd never been before.

Shakily, she opened her mouth. "I made a mistake," she blurted. "I do love you. I always have." She watched his shoulders tense. "I just couldn't give in. Too proud," she whispered.

"I can't live without you," she finished, and waited.

Seifer pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his coat and lit one. The flame was absolutely steady.

"Go away," he said, without rancor but also without compassion.

Fujin stood, stunned, for several awkward seconds. "I'm so sorry," she said, and her voice broke on the last word.

She fled.

It felt like she had been gone for forever but she made it back to the hotel room before Raijin. She was shaking, and knew that tears were very close.

She almost tripped in her haste to get out of her clothes, but managed somehow not to hurt herself before getting in the shower. Once the water hit her, the tears came, along with silent sobs that forced her to slide to a sitting position in the shower stall. She cried, rocking herself, and knew that she would die.

Finally, the tears ceased and she was left empty. The hot water was practically murdering her tender skin, and she stood up to turn it off. She stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around herself, and looked frantically in the cabinet for eye drops. She didn't want Raijin to suspect anything. She was determined to pull off the perfect act, determined to give Raijin the best vacation she could to make up for the disaster that would inevitably happen when they returned to Deling City. She couldn't live with a broken heart, but she sure as hell wasn't going to kill herself on Christmas- it would destroy Raijin. She'd wait.

She found the eyedrops, applied some to her good eye, and dressed.

Then she heard Raijin come in and she stepped out of the bathroom, smiling, brushing her hair. She glanced at what he carried and attempted a grin- he'd gotten her several kinds of sunblock and aloe vera for her burns, as well as takeout from their favorite restaurant.

"Hey, Rai-rai," she said jauntily. "Want to play Triple Triad later?"

He grinned- she rarely played Triple Triad with him, and he loved the game. "I'll kick your ass."

"Ha!" she returned, and they dug into the packages of food hungrily.

She was vaguely aware that she was having a nightmare, but there was nothing she could do- she couldn't wake up.

Raijin hit her, and the sound if his fist cracking into her flesh was oddly loud.

"You ruined my life," he said sadly. "You deserve this." He hit her again, and she couldn't make a sound, not even a whimper.

"It's all your fault. This is for your own good." Again he hit her, again.

The blows came faster and louder, and she didn't even try to ward herself against them- she knew he was right.

"All right, all right," Raijin said fuzzily. "I'm coming."

Fujin sat up in her bed, panting, wondering why Raijin was knocking on the door. No, Raijin was answering the door; someone else had been knocking. She glanced at the clock. Near 0300 hours now.

She peered toward the door and blinked as the light from the hallway blinded her. She shaded her eye and saw Seifer

(is this another dream?)

push past Raijin and stride directly to her bed. He sat beside her and took her face in his hands. She stared at him, disoriented. What was going on?

"You're not the only one who's too proud," he said, voice ragged with emotion, and kissed her.

The kiss was forceful, deadly, sweet, and all too real. She realized abruptly that it wasn't a dream and she couldn't help herself- she began to cry.

He released her, only to gather her into his lap a moment later, stroking her cheek with one thumb.

"I'm sorry, Fuu," he murmured, stumbling over words he had in all probability never said. She felt a few final tears leak from her eye and then she reached up and drew his mouth down to hers.

When they finally parted, both looked up to see Raijin hopping up and down in the doorway, hands clasped and silent with glee. Seifer laughed loudly, as he always did, and finished the day with, "Merry Christmas, Raijin."

~fin~