I was a SeeD.

Cid told me I would get a week of leave before being put on mission standby. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I mostly stayed at Garden. I did venture into Balamb to sell my house. I hadn't bothered to sell it before; I'd wanted a fallback in case I failed at Garden again.

But I hadn't. I was a SeeD.

I surprised myself by how happy I was about that. How long had I scorned SeeD, both publicly and inside my head? I didn't know. Forever, maybe.

But nope, I was as happy as a rabbit in clover.

And I supposed it was understandable. A little inner voice had whispered to me so many nights in my sleep after Ultimecia: your life is over. That's all you'll ever do. It's all downhill from here. Over. Succeeding at becoming a SeeD had done a lot to drive that voice away. Hope for the future had reentered my life, and I welcomed it.

Undeniably, I felt a sense of relief at my success. And pride. I've always had more than my fair share of pride, I'll be the first to admit that. But this felt clean, pride that didn't bite. Anyone would be proud of being a part of the most elite military force in the world.

During that week, I slept a lot.

I spent my days with Raijin and Fujin. We lounged in my quarters, just hanging out like we used to do so long before, or sometimes we checked out cars and went to see shows in Balamb. One evening we went to Deling, and hit the hotel bar hard. It was fun. Once, I even consented to play Triple Triad with Raijin, which delighted him immensely. Especially since I let him win.

I spent as much time as I thought would be appropriate with Quistis, knocking at her door on several evenings. We went to the Training Center, but mostly fought each other. I liked working out, especially with her. I acquired unusual grace in her presence, maybe because I felt so relaxed. Or maybe because I wanted to impress her. And I thought she enjoyed our sessions too. But I was certain that she wasn't having the kinds of thoughts I was. Somehow I had to put that possibility in her mind and find out her reaction. But I'd never done this sort of thing before, and anyway, it never seemed like the right time. We always ended up filthy after our practices, sometimes bleeding, always sweating. The fastidious part of me couldn't imagine asking a woman out in those conditions. So. I was at an impasse, it seemed.

I also apologized to Rinoa. My outburst had been preying on my mind after I heard that she was getting married. I visited the Library occasionally, thinking that I might run into her there as I had before. I was reluctant to call her or knock at her door. I wanted this to be private, and however my opinion of Squall might have changed, I didn't really want this to involve him.

So I checked the Library, and one afternoon she was there, sitting exactly where she had been before.

I sat down next to her.

"Hi Rin," I said.

She recognized my voice. There was a long pause before she closed her book slowly and turned to face me.

"Hi," she said carefully. She looked at me warily, like I might bite her.

"So you're getting married."

She colored, and looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Yes," she muttered, and began to rise. I didn't blame her for thinking that I was about to harass her.

I touched her arm, and she stopped, frozen.

"Don't. I'm not going to yell at you again. I wanted to congratulate you." I looked up at her. I'd never tried, but I thought I could pull beseeching off. It seemed to work.

"Thank you," she said, confused. I removed my hand from her arm and gestured at her empty chair.

"I want to apologize. For the last time I talked to you. I got out of hand."

She sat, slowly. "It's okay."

"You love him, don't you?" More of a statement than a question. Academically, I'd known that. She was marrying him, after all. But somehow I hadn't comprehended it before. Now it screamed out at me. There was no missing it. Her skin seemed to whisper. Squall.

She looked at me, and I thought I saw sadness in her eyes.

"You left me," she whispered.

It was true.

"I had to," I said. This was also true, somehow.

"I know," she murmured. And I knew that she understood. She understood what I couldn't explain, what I could barely understand myself, and she forgave me.

"I love you," I found myself saying. It was an apology. For not loving her enough before. Someone overhearing might have misconstrued what I had said, but there was no one near, and her smile told me that she had understood perfectly.

"I love you too, Seifer." Apology accepted. She smiled brightly then, sadness washed away. "You're coming to the wedding, right?"

"Nah," I shook my head. "That's for you. I shouldn't be there."

She smiled, and though I knew she didn't agree, she would accept it.

"At least the reception, then. You have to."

I grinned. "Fine. But you have to dance with me."

"I will! I promise!" She clapped her hands, happy.

I leaned back in my chair.

"And by the way, congratulations on your promotion. Quisty said you passed with flying colors."

"Thank you," I said, thinking of Quistis. I looked up to find Rinoa peering at me intently.

I groaned. She knew me too well.

"Seifer," she said, surprised.

"Don't say anything. I don't know what's going on yet." She looked at me with narrowed eyes, trying to see if I was telling the truth.

"You'll tell me when you do know. Or I'll kill you," she said matter-of-factly.

"You'll be the first to know," I promised. "Well, the third," I amended, grinning.

"Brat," she said, laughing. I stood, and bent to kiss the corner of her mouth.

"Gotta go. Have fun, now." She nodded acceptance and grinned at me.

I left, feeling much better than I had when I entered.

My week dwindled away to nothing, and on my very first day of active status, I got an assignment. I spent three days away from Garden, guarding a rather annoying Estharian movie star. She thought a lot of herself, but I didn't agree, and when she tried to seduce me, I refused. I suspected she was only interested because of my past, and did not wish to become some kind of trophy conquest.

The movie star kept high-class company, and I found myself comparing each of her friends to Quistis. They always fell short somehow, and I realized dully that I missed her. I'd seen her every day for a long time now, and spent time with her most of those days. I was anxious to get back to Garden.

When I did return, I was tired and cranky. The movie star hadn't wanted to let me go, offering me private employment at a considerable rate. I wasn't in the least interested, but I had a hell of a time getting out of there. She'd tried to use tears on me, which seriously annoyed me. First, because I consider tears to be a vile weapon, and second, because she thought me weak enough to fall for it. Finally, I'd snarled, "Why don't you just make yourself a t-shirt? 'I fucked Ultimecia's knight.'" She'd been so shocked that I had been able to escape.

When I woke, I found the entire Garden buzzing over the wedding. Selphie Tilmitt stalked the halls, muttering to her assistants and terrorizing the caterers and decorators. She'd posted guards on the ballroom, to prevent those who were curious from disturbing any of the happenings in there.

The next four were easy ones for me. I went to Edea and asked her not to schedule me for any missions during the wedding, explaining that I had promised Rinoa I would attend the reception. She smiled and told me that she and Cid had decided not to accept any missions at all during that time frame, so that everyone could attend.

As I'd decided, I did not appear at the wedding. Instead, I spent the day playing cards with Raijin. Fujin had wanted to see the ceremony, and I had grinned to myself. She was probably gathering ideas for when she tricked Raijin into the same thing.

I was absent-minded, and a few times Raijin won fair and square because of pure idiocy on my part.

Fujin knocked on our door in the evening to pick up Raijin for the reception, and I waved them out, glad I had my own quarters now that I was a SeeD. I never realized how much I enjoyed privacy until I finally had it and then allowed others to intrude on it

I showered and dressed, ignoring the scratchiness of the dress uniform, and sat down on my couch. I felt strangely empty. After a few minutes I got myself up and headed to the ballroom.

As soon as I walked in the entrance, the bride ran up to me and dragged me out onto the dance floor. I didn't resist, grinning, and obligingly spun her around. Her eyes sparkled, and she laughed up at me in perfect happiness.

"You came!"

"Of course. Wouldn't miss it," I said, and grinned down at her. Her dark hair made a striking contrast against the white of her gown. Totally gorgeous. "You look terrible," I teased. "I heard marriage turned beautiful young women into warty old hags, but I never knew it happened this fast."

She punched my arm playfully. "Meanie."

I spun her again. "Of course," I mused, "It's probably just because you're standing so close to me and the comparison is-" I spotted Quistis at that moment, and I forgot what I had been saying.

She was dancing with Zell Dincht, laughing hysterically as he spun her around. She wore a blue gown, silk. It clung to her. It made me want to cling to her. Her hair was piled on her head and it sparkled in the light as she turned. I realized that it was held in place with pins; there must have been jewels on them. It looked like stars had flown down to perch in her hair.

Rinoa was laughing at me. "Seifer, close your mouth."

I returned to reality, and realized my mouth was open. Just a little, I thought defensively, and shut it.

"If you want to leer at Quisty and keep it a secret, maybe you should go do it somewhere else. Remember, I'm kind of the star here," she giggled.

Shit. She's right.

"Don't worry, I don't think anyone was watching," she said seriously, sensing that I'd been a little alarmed.

I spun her one more time as the song ended. "This is your night, Rin. Don't worry about me."

"Can't help it," she grinned. "I want you to be as happy as I am."

I smiled down at her. "If you're happy, then I am too." I squeezed her hand. "I'm gonna go get a drink. Have a good night." I gave her a proper leer, and she punched me again.

"I will, you meanie. Good luck," she called slyly over her shoulder.

I shook my head, laughing, but as I scored a drink off of the first waiter I saw I had to wonder. Would tonight be the night?

Twenty minutes later, I decided that I had to do something. I couldn't take much more of myself. My eyes had been glued to her ever since I had settled here, in a shadowed corner of the room, with my drink. I was acting like a lovesick teenager. Hell, I was a lovesick teenager. I was about to make myself sick.

But I couldn't help but watch as she disengaged herself from Rinoa and Selphie, holding her sides in laughter as she walked to the refreshment table. That smooth walk triggered something in me, the same impulse to take action that had arrested me in Balamb. I fought it reflexively, but thought better of it after a few moments. I thought it might be better in this case to let my instincts guide me.

Forget it, I thought, and stopped fighting. I started walking, and dropped my still-full champagne glass on the tray of a passing waiter. Reaching her, I saw that she had finished her drink, and I plucked it out of her hand, setting it down on the table beside us without looking.

"Dance?" I said, taking her arm. She smiled politely and we made our way out into the center of the room. I turned to her, and in one smooth moment, our hands met and our other hands found their proper positions; mine at her waist, hers on my shoulder. I wondered if she noticed how well we moved together.

The music started softly, and we flowed into the dance together. I looked at her; she was smiling softly to herself. I wondered where she was at that moment. Not with me, it seemed.

"You weren't always this confident," I said softly.

She looked at me, startled.

"Before Time Compression. I know it's long past the appropriate time, but I want to apologize for what I said. Calling you mediocre." I'd been apologizing a lot lately. I actually did regret calling her that, though. It had probably hurt my chances with her a lot.

A faint crease appeared between her eyes as she considered what I had said. "I was, though."

Well, she was right, but that didn't make it true now. "Not any more."

Instinct told me not to speak, so I let the music and the murmurs of the other dancers fill the silence. I thought she was off again, thinking about something else, but she continued.

"We won. We beat her. And after all that worry, it wasn't even very hard. After, I felt...if I could beat Ultimecia, I could do anything. Stand anything."

Everything seemed to stop, and in the silence of my mind my instincts calmly said, now.

"Good," I said firmly.

At my word, she turned her face up. I caught her neatly.

She ripped her hand from mine, and I smiled, my lips curving against hers. I was about to get the shit beaten out of me.

But then she hesitated. Instinctively I slid my arms around her, and after a moment, she returned the favor. Her perfume flared in my nostrils, something flowery and soft. Sweet. Lilac, maybe.

I pulled away from her after a few more moments. She stared at me in shock, mask shattered. I reveled in her blush.

I wanted to see more. A lot more.

I laced my fingers through hers. "Let's go."

As we walked out of the ballroom, Rinoa caught my eye. And winked.

I was more than half surprised that we made it out of there without getting attacked. I'd heard at least one gasp when I kissed her.

I pulled her to me in a hug, hardly believing that my wish was being granted.

"Quistis," I said, uttering her full name for the first time in my life. I kissed her hair.

Instinct prompted me again, and I picked her up, thinking vaguely that if she was indeed in shock I wanted to be safely in her room before it wore off.

She allowed this, and I set her down outside her quarters just a few moments later.

I caught her again, but she pushed me away after just a few seconds, turning the latch to her door and pushing it open.

"Inside," she said, gesturing. I obeyed.

I'd seen her rooms before, picking her up for practice, but I'd never been inside. I was surprised, the place wasn't as neat as I'd expected. She snagged a towel off the floor and tossed it at the closet.

"Thirsty?" she asked, and I heard her voice tremble.

"Sure," I said. Had I scared her? I didn't want that. I never wanted her to be frightened of me.

"Just a second." She sat down in the one chair in the room, and bent over to remove her shoes. It didn't look comfortable.

I moved across the room and knelt, pushing her hands away from the straps. She sat back up, watching me. I looked up at her, and unfastened the straps by feel. She stared right back at me, but I wondered if she had put on a new mask, bravado. I winked at her and looked down at the foot I held in my hand. I slid the shoe off and looked at it critically. Pretty, but I wouldn't want to try to walk in a pair of these. I set it down gently beside me, and began on the other. She had pretty feet, actually. Hell, she had pretty everything, when you got right down to it. I slid the other shoe off and put it beside its mate.

I looked at her. She seemed more relaxed, that was good.

I stood, and she did too.

"Thanks," she smiled. "What do you want to drink?"

"Water, that's all."

"Okay." She rummaged in a cupboard and brought out two glasses. She reached into her fridge and poured each of us a glass from one of those water-filtering pitchers. As she handed me my glass I received an inscrutable look before she turned away from me to drink.

I actually was thirsty, and I drained the glass at once. I reached beyond her and set it on the counter. I saw her look at the empty glass, and sensed her smile. Good.

I stepped up to her and pulled a pin out of her hair. She stilled, her back to me, and I dropped the pin on the counter.

I pulled carefully at another pin, and one lock of golden hair, twisted from its confinement, dropped down her back.

She sipped from her glass.

I chose another pin. And another.

Some time later, her hair fell in smooth curls down her back, and her glass was empty. She set it on the counter but did not otherwise move. I slid my arm around her waist, silk slipping under my hand, and drew her back to me. I heard her swallow.

And I finally understood. She'd never done this. No wonder she was nervous. Untouched, and alone in her room with Seifer Almasy. I hated to think of what she must be expecting. I hated to think that she'd probably get what she was expecting.

I turned her gently and looked into her face. I saw I will not give in to fear written there. It was too much; I couldn't look at that bravery and then test it.

"Quistis," I began.

"No," she said, stopping me. "I want this."

"But-"

"I've wanted this for a while now. I've wanted you. Don't leave me now." She stood on tiptoe and brushed her lips against mine. "Please."

I stood there, still uncertain, and she unfastened the ornamental chain that stretched across the chest of the dress uniform. I was still trapped in indecision as she unbuckled the heavy belt. And when she set her fingers working against the long row of tiny buttons on the front of the jacket.

Which do you think will hurt more, I asked myself as my jacket fell into a stiff heap on the floor, when you walk out of here, leaving her alone tonight in her beautiful gown? Or when you take it off and she finds out that everything she's heard about you is true? No woman had ever asked me for gentleness, and I'd never bothered to learn.

She pressed against me, sliding her hands up my back. They were dry; skin sliding on skin roared in the silence. She turned her face up to mine, asking. I bent my head, and her lips were warm, seeking. Not soft, but firm.

Quistis, her name reverberated in my mind, and I couldn't remember the question any more, let alone think of the answer. With one hand I pulled her closer. The other crept up the nape of her neck to tangle in her hair.

I was on fire.

I broke away, wanting to pant but still too proud.

She reached up with one hand and brushed at her shoulder. The thin strap of her dress slid down around her arm. I watched, hypnotized.

Once more, and the blue silk was only a gleaming puddle on the floor.

Her hand strayed to her stomach, her only indication of uncertainty as she gazed at me solemnly.

Later, I would remember to be amused. But at that moment in time, the realization that no fabric had come between her skin and the blue silk throughout the entire day only fed the flames.

We stepped forward simultaneously, locking into a kiss that was not an announcement or reassurance or persuasion. It was passion, a new experience for me.

I was on fire.

Her hand, splayed on my chest, pushed gently and I stepped back willingly. She released me and pushed again, till I was sitting on her bed. I unlaced the heavy dress boots and tossed them aside; they hit the floor with a clunk. Dark dress socks, my only pair, quickly followed.

I leaned back and considered her. She was taller than most women, which pleased me. I'm tall myself. Her body was a flawless example of perfect physical fitness. Thighs and calves were smooth and sculpted from hours and hours of running. Light from her bedside lamp spilled across her stomach, revealing the source of her incredible balance and stature as it edged the muscles stretched there into sharp relief. Arms were clean sweeping lines from shoulders to shapely fingers. She watched my face as I drank her in, tossing her hair back over her shoulder to reveal elegant collarbones, one of my favorite parts of the female body.

And her face, it was the crowning glory. She should have been a queen, with her delicate features, those eyes, and that hair.

I wanted to kneel before her.

I wanted to devour her.

I held out my hand. She took it, and let me draw her nearer. I smoothed my hand over that stomach, pleased by the firm feel of muscle under skin. My hand strayed, and I sat up to peer at her side, where she had been bitten. There was no scar. Her skin was flawless, pale.

She moved then, hair falling over her shoulder to tickle my neck as she tilted my chin up and kissed me. Her hands trailed through my hair, down the line of my jaw, over my shoulder, down my arm. She laced her fingers slowly through mine as she sat down next to me on the bed, not allowing the kiss to end.

She leaned back, pulling gently on my hand, smiling as she teased me with her mouth.

I was on fire.

I let her draw me down beside her. I pulled her close and kissed her shoulder, stroking the length of her back. She sighed, and I nuzzled underneath the ledge of her jaw, feeling her pulse beat quickly against my lips. I kissed the hollow at the base of her neck. I ran my hand down her side, over her hip, the back of her thigh. And back up. She twisted, reaching for me, but I pushed her gently onto her back.

I wanted to touch every part of her body. I wanted to kiss every part of her body. So I did, marveling detachedly at the curious mix of hard and soft. Arms, stomach, legs, hard with muscle. Waist, lips, breasts, soft. The insides of her thighs.

I rested my cheek on her leg and felt that she was trembling. I realized that while my investigation of her body had banked my fire somewhat, it had stoked hers. I glanced up at her face; her eyes were closed, lips parted. I slid my hand up her stomach.

She tasted sweet, something like honey or sugar-water, and I felt her shudder. Her hand grasped mine, pressed against her stomach, and squeezed.

I closed my eyes and wondered who was more the virgin. She, who had never been touched? Or I, who had never bothered with the things I was doing now? It didn't really matter.

"Seifer," she whispered, and I wanted to smile. Her hand gripping mine was just about starting to hurt. I welcomed it, knowing that the cry I had been waiting for was about to come.

It did, softly, as her hand nearly broke mine, as her hips bucked just slightly. I grinned as she yanked on my hand, hard. I sat up and she was glaring at me.

"Get over here." I obeyed, and received a fierce kiss. She released my hand and sighed. Her face was flushed. Sweat glistened there, made her shine.

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her hair, thinking that this might be enough for tonight. I didn't want her to have any unpleasant memories of our first night spent together. If we just went to sleep now, it would be fine. Never mind my own desire; it could wait.

She settled into my arms and was quiet. I wondered what she was thinking, but wasn't about to ask.

I was getting drowsy. She reached out with one hand and tuned off the light, nestling comfortably against me. I relaxed further, nearing the edge of sleep, satisfied with the day. Rinoa was married, probably getting more action than I was, actually. I was drifting off to sleep, holding a nude Quistis Trepe in my arms, the woman I loved. I was no longer uncomfortable with the idea.

Her hand moved. She rubbed my shoulder blade, fingers circling lightly. That was fine. I liked it, and it wouldn't cause any trouble. Absently, I returned the embrace.

She lifted her chin and kissed my neck, moving her hand slowly down to the small of my back. I smiled and rubbed her shoulder. She kissed at my throat again, and unfastened the button on my pants.

My eyes flew open. I was about to protest, but she propped herself up on one elbow and silenced me with another kiss.

"That can't be comfortable," she explained, and pushed me onto my back. She unzipped them the rest of the way and motioned for me to lift my hips. I shrugged mentally and obliged. The dress pants sailed off into the darkness, and I realized that she had gotten more than just my pants.

"Hey, you didn't have to take those too," I grumbled, reluctant to think of where this might be going.

"Don't worry about it," she murmured, crawling back to the head of the bed and stretching out next to me. She slid one slim leg in between mine and was quiet once more.

But I was wide awake. There was no way in hell I was going to get to sleep with her pressed up against me like that, me unsatisfied and both of us wearing only skin. Maybe I should go use her bathroom. The thought made me want to snort.

But I was seriously considering doing just that when she stirred once more, sliding her leg up just the tiniest bit and kissing my throat again. Oh hell, I thought. It has to happen sometime. Quit being such a damned coward. She wants it, she told you so. And you know you want it.

She shifted, pushing herself up, and trailed soft kisses up my neck. I didn't protest. Unwisely, perhaps, she bit at my earlobe. Electricity shot down the length of my body, making my toes curl. And the decision was made; my response was immediate and deadly, like a rattlesnake's. I pushed her back down onto the bed, my mouth seeking hers, my hands playing with new urgency along the subtle curves of her body. Too rough, I thought vaguely, but I knew that there wasn't going to be any way to avoid pain tonight. She was strong, no stranger to pain; she could handle it. She would have to, because in the blink of an eye I was

(burning up)

on fire, no stopping now even if I wanted to and my body covered hers and she twisted under me, begging

(still not)

me with her lips her tongue her mouth, panting my name, hands slipping along my back, sliding, and I began to sweat and I knew that if I didn't start this soon it wasn't going to get started at all because just her

(quistis)

mouth on mine was practically sending me into spasms and so I did and I watched her face and she didn't scream or cry or flinch at all she just

(smiled)

closed her eyes and took a little breath and then we were rocking, rocking, and I was

(finally)

in heaven, Quistis, her body was a temple and how I worshiped there. I got down on my knees and prayed, burned a sacrifice for my queen, my goddess, I lamented, chanted her name under my breath, a mantra but there's only so much one body can take, strong as I was, and

(god)

I thought to wonder how she was doing, if she was okay and I sure as hell hoped so but even if she wasn't the end was coming and we were

(soon)

slick, clean water running off us and it wasn't nauseating it was

(glorious)

just fine, and she was frowning and I closed my eyes against the sight knowing already that it was too late, I'd seen that I'd hurt her, I'd kill myself later I guessed but now there wasn't anything I could do, it had never

(ever)

been like this and that's the power of love, I supposed but still I wished that Squall or someone or even

(me)

a damned Trepie had done this first because I didn't want to hurt her I wanted to make her cry out in ecstasy, remember that Seifer, and then she was shuddering, crying my name the sound of a bell being cleanly struck and I was so surprised I forgot to keep my eyes closed against the sight of her pain but she wasn't hurt her body strained against mine

(fucking beautiful)

and I forgot to move or breathe as I watched all the masks fall and it was really Quistis there, pinned underneath me and she was exquisite and the world silently went supernova.

Orgasm is such a bland word, I thought as my eyes fluttered open. She was stroking my damp hair, gently, cheek pressed against my neck. I didn't ever want to move again, I was that tired.

And then somehow I thought that I couldn't move and déjà vu swept over me, pointing a quiet finger at the fire inside me, not the fire in my body that had just been quenched but the one in my heart that had just begun to really give off light, lit in a field in Balamb.

I needed to tell her. I needed to make sure she understood that I loved her, make sure that she knew that this wasn't just another one-night stand for me, that the name Quistis Trepe would not be added to my long list of the conquered. I was the one who'd been conquered.

So I said the first thing that came to me and hoped that she would somehow understand what I meant.

"This is what it was like."

And I felt her smile against my neck before the movement of her hands in my hair slowly stilled, before we fell asleep.

~fin~